I'll be saving this to have in my back-pocket for the next time I encounter an NFP critic open to conversation!
Another point to add, the mentality behind the use of contraception is "I want to be able to have sex whenever I want, without worrying about making a baby" while NFP says "even though I feel sexual desire right now, I know we are fertile, so we are going to use our God-given self-control and discernment to refrain." Regardless of your reasoning, NFP just means... not having sex on particular days.
Also, for the number of times the Church has explicitly endorsed the beauty of NFP, you would think that these critics would.. you know... submit to her teaching.. instead of thinking they know better?
This topic is an exhausting one for me when I start having to debate other Catholics, and I really appreciate all you shared here. The Church is a good mother and knows that each couple has an individual call with individual crosses to bear. It's very harmful to talk down to others when it comes to fertility. An important point you brought up here is how we should only advise others who we have a relationship with, where we hear their reasons in person. If you hear a friend saying they don't want kids for a reason you question, lovingly offer some insight, encouraging prayer and openness to what God is asking of them. As you said, the Holy Spirit takes it from there. I think it only serves as a distraction in our own spiritual lives to go any further.
Totally agree--your last sentence is too true. The things we find ourselves most likely to insert ourselves into are probably things we...shouldn't? Just not our business, and not fruitful.
Thank you for writing this piece. It hurts me to see Catholics judge other Catholics based on their family size. My husband and I are unable to conceive, and it’s so hard to answer when people ask us how long we’ve been married, and then, inevitably, how many kids we have and we reply “none.” I can literally feel the mental calculations happening. We DID say yes to God and continue to be open to life but it has not happened for us and is not likely to happen naturally. We are blessed to be spiritual parents to five godchildren and we take that responsibility very seriously.
In addition, I have seen in our extended family how the “contraceptive mentality” view of NFP has negatively affected people. I’ve heard comments about NFP that make it seem as though it’s wrong to utilize it because it’s “Catholic birth control,” as a well known sports player called it in a publicized speech. That type of thinking and shaming has put undue pressure on people I know to avoid using NFP, and it hurts me to see the stress that it has caused them.
In addition, I think that the concept of NFP and learning to chart your cycle should be taught to females as soon as possible rather than waiting until marriage prep to bring it up. Menstrual irregularities and potentially fixable conditions could be identified much sooner and have a huge impact on later fertility that wouldn’t otherwise be known.
Completely agree with this! Also, yes, one of the most damaging aspects of the scruples over this is how much it hurts families like yours. I'm so sorry for that pain on top of the cross you already carry. Thank you for sharing, and your spiritual parenthood to your godchildren is profound!
Having teens chart their cycles in preparation for what will only be a serious, grave condition seems to push them to include less serious or grave conditions in their calculus.
Especially now in this age of hyper technology, why *not* wait till marriage prep, when devices will be precise to the day this year, the hour next year, or the minute the year following?
And those infertile couples who don't appreciate questions about children might like to pursue adoption sooner than later... As we all know, there are many children at risk of abortion who could be adopted. This could be put forward more as a ministry of the Church.
I sort of get the feeling there a lot of couples doing IVF now *instead* of adoption. I am sad that the crisis pregnant Mom who might otherwise have placed her child for adoption is instead going ahead with abortion, feeling there is no one to adopt her child.
IVF, of course brings us back full circle because there is a strong correlation of delayed motherhood (usually for career) and "needing" IVF. Perhaps that motherhood delaying careerism could be a topic for educating teens. Yes it's tough to get by on one income these days, but stepping out to home educate can be a real benefit to the family vs government school. Women live longer than men, anyway, they can afford to take a break in their career push to raise children, then come back roaring later with all the life experience they've stashed up
I think there is a lot of ignorance of the Church's beautiful teachings on marriage and perhaps women shouldn't be so sensitive about many times well meaning questions.
I do agree with the above commenter about discussing with teens the option of not delaying motherhood post career when able, because that does in turn delay potential diagnosing of issues and diminishes the window of fertile years.
Regarding the non-delay of choosing to adopt...
I am adopted myself. So is my sister. My husband and I are currently pursuing adoption. But jumping straight to adoption just because you can’t pop out your own biological child immediately- is wrong. That commodifies children similarly to IVF. It pushes the mentality that a couple is “owed” a child just because they want to have one. It ignores the complicated situation of an actual human birth mother being separated from her actual human baby. Just because you can’t have your own doesn’t mean you must adopt. Adoption is a calling and not everyone is called to it. Even once we learned we could not conceive naturally, it still took a few years to discern through prayer and other factors that we should pursue that route. Even now, while we are still waiting to be matched, we are prepared for God to close this opportunity for us because we have no control over the process. So in the meantime, we are dedicated to working on our family of 2-each other- and to our spiritual children, and to remaining open to life.
There's a lot to unpack here but 1) there is no shortage of interested adoptive parents. Domestic infant adoption often requires being on a waiting list for years. And Jana already said better than I can the importance of actually being called to adoption and not just simply using it as a replacement for having a child.
But 2) you say that teens will only be charting for what will only be a "serious, grave condition" and that's simply false. Charting is health literacy, it's information about our bodies and cycles. It can reveal month to month changes, hormone imbalances, etc. I hd recurrent miscarriages and because I have been charting for years, we could rule out some problems right away. Charting is not simply to avoid pregnancy, charting your cycle helps women better know their bodies and pursue health.
Being on an adoption waiting list for years when there are millions of abortions going on is a tragedy. Maybe the person who asks you about children happens to *know* someone in a crisis pregnancy and a match could be made through that contact: who knows? You're asking for sympathy for your infertility but maybe blocking your ears when God might be calling you to adopt.
Well I’m not the one who said anything about being infertile. Also, there are lots of women who abort who would never consider adoption. I don’t think that’s right, but that’s the reality. Abortion isn’t happening because of a lack of adoptive parents, it’s a much deeper issue and suggesting that infertile couples should just adopt in order to solve it is shortsighted and ignorant.
Endometriosis takes over 5 years on average to be accurately diagnosed. I waited until marriage prep time to begin learning about charting, and even then it took 7 years to get my diagnosis which only came through an invasive surgery. By then, as the years had passed, too much damage was done to repair my fertility. That’s why not to wait. Same with PCOS, which often can be more easily identified with accurate charting, or even better, through Napro technology.
Exactly, Jana. Conditions like endo or PCOS also should be diagnosed and treated as early as possible not just for fertility, but because they're harmful to women's bodies, full stop. They're painful conditions and deserve real care, not just in marriage.
A woman's cycle is referred to by some physicians as a "fifth vital sign." Cycle charting is about women's health first, fertility second.
Thank you, I love this! NFP is such a gift, and it's so sad to me that people are being discouraged from learning about it when it gets labelled 'contraceptive'.
I'll be saving this to have in my back-pocket for the next time I encounter an NFP critic open to conversation!
Another point to add, the mentality behind the use of contraception is "I want to be able to have sex whenever I want, without worrying about making a baby" while NFP says "even though I feel sexual desire right now, I know we are fertile, so we are going to use our God-given self-control and discernment to refrain." Regardless of your reasoning, NFP just means... not having sex on particular days.
Also, for the number of times the Church has explicitly endorsed the beauty of NFP, you would think that these critics would.. you know... submit to her teaching.. instead of thinking they know better?
This topic is an exhausting one for me when I start having to debate other Catholics, and I really appreciate all you shared here. The Church is a good mother and knows that each couple has an individual call with individual crosses to bear. It's very harmful to talk down to others when it comes to fertility. An important point you brought up here is how we should only advise others who we have a relationship with, where we hear their reasons in person. If you hear a friend saying they don't want kids for a reason you question, lovingly offer some insight, encouraging prayer and openness to what God is asking of them. As you said, the Holy Spirit takes it from there. I think it only serves as a distraction in our own spiritual lives to go any further.
Totally agree--your last sentence is too true. The things we find ourselves most likely to insert ourselves into are probably things we...shouldn't? Just not our business, and not fruitful.
Thank you for writing this piece. It hurts me to see Catholics judge other Catholics based on their family size. My husband and I are unable to conceive, and it’s so hard to answer when people ask us how long we’ve been married, and then, inevitably, how many kids we have and we reply “none.” I can literally feel the mental calculations happening. We DID say yes to God and continue to be open to life but it has not happened for us and is not likely to happen naturally. We are blessed to be spiritual parents to five godchildren and we take that responsibility very seriously.
In addition, I have seen in our extended family how the “contraceptive mentality” view of NFP has negatively affected people. I’ve heard comments about NFP that make it seem as though it’s wrong to utilize it because it’s “Catholic birth control,” as a well known sports player called it in a publicized speech. That type of thinking and shaming has put undue pressure on people I know to avoid using NFP, and it hurts me to see the stress that it has caused them.
JPII’s writings are such a gift!
In addition, I think that the concept of NFP and learning to chart your cycle should be taught to females as soon as possible rather than waiting until marriage prep to bring it up. Menstrual irregularities and potentially fixable conditions could be identified much sooner and have a huge impact on later fertility that wouldn’t otherwise be known.
Completely agree with this! Also, yes, one of the most damaging aspects of the scruples over this is how much it hurts families like yours. I'm so sorry for that pain on top of the cross you already carry. Thank you for sharing, and your spiritual parenthood to your godchildren is profound!
Having teens chart their cycles in preparation for what will only be a serious, grave condition seems to push them to include less serious or grave conditions in their calculus.
Especially now in this age of hyper technology, why *not* wait till marriage prep, when devices will be precise to the day this year, the hour next year, or the minute the year following?
And those infertile couples who don't appreciate questions about children might like to pursue adoption sooner than later... As we all know, there are many children at risk of abortion who could be adopted. This could be put forward more as a ministry of the Church.
I sort of get the feeling there a lot of couples doing IVF now *instead* of adoption. I am sad that the crisis pregnant Mom who might otherwise have placed her child for adoption is instead going ahead with abortion, feeling there is no one to adopt her child.
IVF, of course brings us back full circle because there is a strong correlation of delayed motherhood (usually for career) and "needing" IVF. Perhaps that motherhood delaying careerism could be a topic for educating teens. Yes it's tough to get by on one income these days, but stepping out to home educate can be a real benefit to the family vs government school. Women live longer than men, anyway, they can afford to take a break in their career push to raise children, then come back roaring later with all the life experience they've stashed up
I think there is a lot of ignorance of the Church's beautiful teachings on marriage and perhaps women shouldn't be so sensitive about many times well meaning questions.
I do agree with the above commenter about discussing with teens the option of not delaying motherhood post career when able, because that does in turn delay potential diagnosing of issues and diminishes the window of fertile years.
Regarding the non-delay of choosing to adopt...
I am adopted myself. So is my sister. My husband and I are currently pursuing adoption. But jumping straight to adoption just because you can’t pop out your own biological child immediately- is wrong. That commodifies children similarly to IVF. It pushes the mentality that a couple is “owed” a child just because they want to have one. It ignores the complicated situation of an actual human birth mother being separated from her actual human baby. Just because you can’t have your own doesn’t mean you must adopt. Adoption is a calling and not everyone is called to it. Even once we learned we could not conceive naturally, it still took a few years to discern through prayer and other factors that we should pursue that route. Even now, while we are still waiting to be matched, we are prepared for God to close this opportunity for us because we have no control over the process. So in the meantime, we are dedicated to working on our family of 2-each other- and to our spiritual children, and to remaining open to life.
And I would never pursue adoption just to avoid “questions about having children.”
There's a lot to unpack here but 1) there is no shortage of interested adoptive parents. Domestic infant adoption often requires being on a waiting list for years. And Jana already said better than I can the importance of actually being called to adoption and not just simply using it as a replacement for having a child.
But 2) you say that teens will only be charting for what will only be a "serious, grave condition" and that's simply false. Charting is health literacy, it's information about our bodies and cycles. It can reveal month to month changes, hormone imbalances, etc. I hd recurrent miscarriages and because I have been charting for years, we could rule out some problems right away. Charting is not simply to avoid pregnancy, charting your cycle helps women better know their bodies and pursue health.
Being on an adoption waiting list for years when there are millions of abortions going on is a tragedy. Maybe the person who asks you about children happens to *know* someone in a crisis pregnancy and a match could be made through that contact: who knows? You're asking for sympathy for your infertility but maybe blocking your ears when God might be calling you to adopt.
Well I’m not the one who said anything about being infertile. Also, there are lots of women who abort who would never consider adoption. I don’t think that’s right, but that’s the reality. Abortion isn’t happening because of a lack of adoptive parents, it’s a much deeper issue and suggesting that infertile couples should just adopt in order to solve it is shortsighted and ignorant.
Endometriosis takes over 5 years on average to be accurately diagnosed. I waited until marriage prep time to begin learning about charting, and even then it took 7 years to get my diagnosis which only came through an invasive surgery. By then, as the years had passed, too much damage was done to repair my fertility. That’s why not to wait. Same with PCOS, which often can be more easily identified with accurate charting, or even better, through Napro technology.
Exactly, Jana. Conditions like endo or PCOS also should be diagnosed and treated as early as possible not just for fertility, but because they're harmful to women's bodies, full stop. They're painful conditions and deserve real care, not just in marriage.
A woman's cycle is referred to by some physicians as a "fifth vital sign." Cycle charting is about women's health first, fertility second.
Thank you, I love this! NFP is such a gift, and it's so sad to me that people are being discouraged from learning about it when it gets labelled 'contraceptive'.